Ivor's Pub

by Tim Lacey

The swirling of my keys matched my merry mood as I approached the pub. I had just been elevated to asistant manager at the McDonald's I worked at. "Ha! Now I will put the thumb on the teens who work there! I am a big man now!" I thought with gleeful thoughts.

Going through the cherrywood colored door, I entered the pub. There was a whole group of different people and to my delight---no teens---they have no place here.

Going up to the bar I slammed my right foot down on the gold colored foot rail. "A bruskie Charlie," I said.

The bartender turned to me, "The name is Ivor." As I scanned the bar with my eyes I spotted several couples and singles all having a good-time. Turning back to the counter a mouse ran up to me. Well, it was a mouse from the mid-section down to its pink tail. The upper part was that of a woman. Standing up on her hind legs she squeaked, "Hello big boy."

I replied---because I am cultured, "How are you today. And may I say what a fine day it is."

I then heard, to my dismay, and CHRIST!! it was to MY dismay---a teenage voice. The teen's voice spoke, "Hey, Doloris here is some cheese." Flying from a booth in the shadows across the room was a yellow object. It landed infront of me. Yes, by jove---it was cheese. The mouse girl picked it up and scampered off with it.

As I was sitting on my stool, I started to shake. I mean really shake. Honest, I was shaking. Not out of fear, but out of a physical movement caused by something that I had no control over.

Everybody in the pub was shaking like jello that you see being served on a plate. Soon the shaking stopped. A very big green eye appeared in the front window of the pub. "I got your package here," said the bartender Ivor.

"THANK YOU!" replied the very loud voice.

"But please," spoke Ivor. "Do not throw your speedo again over my pub, its very rude."


Ivor threw the small package toward the door. A very nice man with three sets of eyes opened the door and---whoosh! went the tiny package. I pondered on the thought, "What could a quarter mile high giant do with such a small package?" Well, such are the mysteries of life.

I saw a couple get up from a table after having a most pleasent meal with fine spirits only served at Ivor's Pub. The woman was from the hips down a Pogo Stick. Her husband wrapped his arms around her and she hopped out of the bar.

I turned back to the counter feeling pleased that I was a big man now. I thought I heard a sneer coming from the booth in the shadows. All I could see was an outline of a (diguest) teen. A teen wearing a cap. I made a big tough sniffing sound with my nose and turned back to the counter to drink my beer.

Ivor was cleaning some glasses with a very white rag. I just had to ask him, so standing up and bending over the counter, I said, "Why use a rag to clean your glasses. Why not use a dishwasher my good man."

Meanwhile, I almost fell over the counter because I was bending over it with too much of my body. Anyway, Ivor responded, "I do. The white rag is just for affect."

"Yes, affect. That is very good. Can't have too much of a good affect---adds to the atmosphere of the place."

I then slid off the counter and turning to the people, "A big cheer for effect and atmosphere!" People looked at me as if I was crazy. It was then I heard another sneer like sound coming from that teen in the darkness.

I pulled on the waist-band to my slacks to look tough. I did think some sort of word was in-order. A man who had a five by five foot butt came over to me. He said, "Youth, have to be patient."

"Ah, yes," I replied. "To be young again. Ay there Ivor."

Ivor gave me a gentlemen's nod of the head.

"Oh dear, dear," spoke the man with the big butt. "Must get going."

"Nice meeting you sir," I responded. "Yes in-deedy. Always a pleasure to meet a worldly gent." The man using his huge butt like a spring, bounced out of the bar.

I couldn't help and look at the teen sitting in the shadows. I thought again, and smiled as this most sweet thought that ran through my mind, "I'm a big man now. Those teens will have to follow the straight and narrow line---that I say they should."

Ivor had placed before me a bowel of nuts that he had just replentished. As I grabbed a handful I told him, "Ivor your the best! Looking out for your patrons. The way to go." Seeing my mug of beer was almost out I tapped on the counter, "Ivor my good-man another cold bruskie." Ivor took my mug.

As I waited for my beer I turned on my stoole. Coming through the front door were two couples that were only two feet tall. They went to a special table for people there size. Yes, what a wonderful world of varied people.

Turning back to the counter for I heard the mug being placed down, I got a start. In fact I was startled. I saw in the shadows a huge white smile. It was THAT-THAT TEEN! He was giving me a huge smile. It scared me since he was in the shadows and yet---and yet I say, his teeth shone or glowed. I should better say, so brightly! I turned back to the counter and drank my beer.

A woman sat down next to me. She had blond hair that was in a bun. A bun that rose about six feet. "My," I said being friendly. "What lovely looking hair."

"Why thank you. I try to keep it looking nice." The blond- haired woman reached into her lovely hair and pulled out a few dollar bills.

I was about to reach into the bowel of nuts when I heard some high pitch cursing. "Watch it you big clod," said the angry pipping voice. Four three inch human cockroaches crawled out of the bowel of nuts. Shaking four of its semi-human arms at me yelled, "You could have eaten one of my mates by mistake!"

"Sir, believe me it was a mistake. Please except my apologies."

"Ok! But don't let it happen again,' it told me. The four human cockroaches crawled off down the counter.

"Please come again," said Ivor leaning over the counter to the human cockroach patrons.

That teen suddenly made a rude noise. I just pretended not to hear it.

As I finished my beer, I asked for another one. This was my day. My day as the big man. Ivor nodded again after my request and filled another mug of beer.

A lively bouncing little girl with pig-tails came in. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking," said Ivor nicely to the little girl.

She giggled shyly. "Its not for me." She lifted her pink purse up and opened it. "Its for my dad."

An eight inch man poked his head out and with his left hand lifted up a gold thimble. "Some white wine please." Very carefully Ivor poured from a bottle of his best white wine as requested by the little father, its contents, a very small amount of its contents into the thimble. As the tiny father retreated back into his daughters purse I heard him burp.

The little girl closed her purse and skipped out of the bar.

The beers I had have started to loosen my mind and tongue. I leaned over the counter, "Hey Ivor, come here." Ivor leaned closer to me. "I'm a asistant manager at McDonalds. I'm a big man now."

"Are you sir."

"Yeah." I moved in closer to him. "Even before I got my well earned promotion..." I banged my fist down on the counter.

"Easy sir," said Ivor to my energetic manor.

"I had five teens who worked at the resturant canned. Ha! Some of the bosses liked them and their work. I say---tough bananas. I think they were lazy and got them fired." I went silent for a moment. "Yeah, thats right---fired. I said they were stealing when they weren't." I then snickered.

Ivor looked concerned and somewhat repulsed. "Sir that's wrong."

"Who are you to say what is wrong. I know their types. All my life I knew their types. Now I"m the big man." I got angry at the look Ivor was giving me. "Who are you to judge."

"Sir its not my place to judge."

I stood up, somewhat unsteady and hollwered, "Who is to judge what is wrong and what is fair. I"m the big man. BY Jove---I'm the big man!" I pointed to the teen in the shadows, "By jove I'm the big man. Yeah, me!"

It was then I became confused. I found myself next to a silver tower. No, not one but several of these silver hundred foot tall towers! I appeared to be on a wooden surface. And as I looked up and passed the silver towers I saw a huge Cherrywood cliff. And the noise, God that awful loud noise. Was it thunder? Or voices over some sort of mega-speakers.

The floor shook around me. I was so confused. I started to call for Ivor. I ventured foreward. WHAM! made the sound of the huge object that crashed down before me. It sent me flying backwards into one of the silver towers and dirt into my eyes. For several minutes I wipped the dirt from out of my eyes.

When my eyes, that were sore, yet did what their function was: to provide sight for me, I blinked. Next to me was a tan leather shoe. I'M NOT CRAZY! IT WAS A SHOE! And above it hung a thick gray material with strips. It went up for many hundreds of feet. And from way up high came that thundering sound of voices again.

I needed help. I thought of trying to reach the counter top. So I jumped up and with brave hands I grabbed hold to what had to be the cuff of the pants. Even though my mind was faint from the drink and my horrible situation, I started my trek up the pant leg.

I panted as I grabbed the folds to the pants material and kept hoisting myself up. A few times the owner of these slacks when he stirred, caused me to go flying from side to side. It was all I could do not to empty my stomch of the beer I had enjoy filling this same stomach with.

After a good half hour, I think, I saw I was several feet below the pocket to this giant's pants. I wanted to stay clear of it for fear of falling down what to me would be an endless abyss.

I heard the loud, deep rumbling of giant words. A huge hand followed this, which sent fear through me. The giant hand glided gracefully into the pocket. I heard more deep giant words. Coming down infront of me (must have been from his other hand) two huge, powerful looking fingers. And they---and they were in the position you place your thumb and forefinger when you want to flick something away.

"NOOOOOO!" I screamed. The next think I knew and felt was pain. It seemed to me I was spinning in the air for hours. I came to rest on a white object. For---I don't know how long I stayed stretched out on my back before I found the strength to turn over. Holding my left side with one hand, I managed to get up.

Below me was the criss-crossing of rope. I bent over in tired amusement. I knew what it was. Shoe laces to a dirty, stinking sneaker. Slowly and with agony I climbed down the sneaker and down to the floor. Above the sneaker ran up for fifty feet or so the thick baggy material to a pair of gray sweat pants. The first thought which made me both sick and angry, was that it belonged to a teenager. I moved away from it gladly.

When I tried to figure what my next move should be, I saw I was before darkness. Darkness. GOD DARKNESS! I wanted to run. However, a voice from above froze my very spirit. "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR GOING?" said the voice, while greatly amplified, I knew to be that teen.

I looked up as best I could. And I wished I hadn't. All I saw was a face in the shadows, yet a bright white smile that seemed to mock me. It was either fright, beer or both but the jeering, leering smile appeared to be coming down at me as if to engulf me!

Instead, I felt the pressure of a warm object enwrapping itself around me. I felt the pressure on my ears from an upward motion.

I was brought before this face still hidden in the shadows. "I'll just put you in my matchbox."

"Please no! And what are you going to do to me?" I wailed. The giant teen was silent. I was placed in a cardboard prison. When he slid it shut I was in total darkness. In the drakness I found myself tumbling around. The violent motion soon stopped.

After an eternity of worrying about my fate: Judgement time came.

I was rocketed about again. It stopped. The matchbox slid opened. Light poured in. It hurt my eyes. I tumbled out onto warm concrete. I stood up. And I started to cry. Wiping my eyes I saw I was encircled by five pair of gigantic sneakers.

One of these pair of sneakers lifted its matching mate and glided over til stopping over my head. "LETS CRUSH THIS BUG!" Thundered a voice. A voice that seemed familar. Whoever it belonged too, I was scared. I fell to my knees under the sneaker whoses thick, black rubber threads loomed threateningly over me.

"Please, please---go away!"

The great sneaker moved away. I felt somewhat relieved which was only sort lived. "HE'S SMALLER THAN MY PIMPLES," roared another giant.

One of these giants stooped down over me. Lost in its shadow a gaint thumb came down from the heavens and started to press down on my head. "MAYBE, I SHOULD POP THE PIMPLE," said the giant voice with disdain.

"NO DON"T," said another.

There was silence.

Looking up I tried to find out who these vengefull giants were. From what I could see of their faces and clothing they seemed to be teens. "OH GOD! TEENS!" I shouted out in hopelessness.

"NOT SUCH THE BIG MAN NOW ARE YOU MR. ASSISTANT MANAGER," said the giant voices in unison.

"I"m sorry. Have mercy. Have mercy," I shouted lifting my arms out to them in supplication.

Two giant fingers came down and grasped between them firmly---my head. I felt a strange pain. I felt as if my bones and muscles where expanding. I cried, "It hurts, it hurts."

A giant voice responded and it was surprisingly gentle, "THE PAIN IS ALMOST OVER."

The pain did stop. Though, I still had the sensation of stretching. I found myself, as crazy as it seems, being put through a series of belt loops. A finger came and pulled and stretched my upper teeth. I saw my feet. They were tied together. My upper teeth was placed on the ends of these-these, what use to ressemble normal feet.

I had become a living belt.